hiddenblessing

Finding one small blessing each day.

vegas lights September 4, 2012

Filed under: Inspiration,Signs,Uncategorized — hiddenblessing @ 7:11 pm
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I have talked at length in various posts about my thoughts on signs.  I truly believe the universe tries to send us little reminders and pointers for steps we need to take, or directions for which we need to go to get ourselves back on our own paths again. And sometimes, if we are particularly dense right then, the universe rolls its collective eyes and busts out a giant Vegas-style flashing sign that says “SERIOUSLY.  I MEANT IT THE FIRST TIME.  TURN HERE.”

That’s what happened to me the other night.  I have been in the midst of this career conundrum.  I am perfectly content where I’m at, and it’s a good job, for a good company.  I deeply miss where I used to be, though, because I felt significantly more valued and important in my previous position at my previous company.  It’s hard to lose that, even when you knew it was the price you were paying to change.  The benefit of moving to the new company was the best ever – I got to be home significantly more with Baby L.  Period.  That was the deciding factor, and I LEAPT at the opportunity.  I don’t regret it, and would choose, repeatedly, the same choice over and over and over again.

And yet.

I miss my old responsibility.  I miss the self-worth it brought, and the confidence I had in my own abilities.  I can feel my skill set fading away like rubbing acetone on a varnished table.  I am simply not challenged anymore, and while I can find things that temporarily allow me to feel alive again, for the majority of the time, I’m just… bored.  It’s like staring at a blank canvas all day – and your only job is to watch it.  You used to have the paints and brushes it took to color it, but you changed galleries and in this new shop, you’re not the artist any longer.  Your job is just to ensure its safety.  It already has a few talented artists, and they aren’t interested in adding any more displays.

So here I sit.  And I contemplate – just SHUT UP ALREADY and enjoy the fact that it’s good and easy and you get to be home with Baby L more.  Or find something new, that might be more challenging and you might be happier at, but will be full-time.  This option, which really isn’t an option at all, makes me feel like a failure.  Or option C, which would be to find a way to keep the current position but somehow either light a fire under it again, or find a way to  spend more time doing what I love.

Back to the Vegas-style signs, the other night I lay in bed, skimming through various WordPress posts, and I suddenly began to notice a theme to a significant number of the posts.  Posts like this:

http://primakarenrambles.wordpress.com/2012/09/02/passion-in-your-career/

http://becomeahuman.wordpress.com/2012/09/02/inspired/

It truly seemed that all the posts were pointing me towards the obvious: do what you love.  Post after post about making choices, taking risks, finding what truly makes you happy.  Do what honors who you are, because there is only one you, and only one lifetime to be you.

It made me smile because sometimes, I think I just need the universe to kick me in the behind and tell me to get moving.  Quit sitting around thinking about it, quit contemplating and what-if’ing and just do.   I can think and ponder and weigh all the pros and cons, but in the end, if I don’t actually do anything, all the thinking and pondering was just a giant waste of time.   I know the answer deep inside myself, and I’ve always known it.  I just have to trust that it won’t let me down, and that, my friends, can be the hardest part of all.

 

Don’t Stop Believing May 11, 2011

Filed under: Signs — hiddenblessing @ 10:24 pm
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Most of you know that my inspiration behind this blog was little Ronan and his amazingly inspiring mom and their fight against neuroblastoma. Ronan lost his fight this week, and although I don’t even know this little guy, my heart broke for Ronan’s mom and their family. She writes beautifully, and she touches her readers… you couldn’t help but be sucked into her story. I hope that someday when she finds the strength again, she’ll publish her story in it’s entirety, but for the moment, she’s still astonishing her readers with her insight and grace as she gets through these days.

Mostly what I wanted to tell you about, though, was that she posted today that she has heard the song “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey repeatedly since little Ronan died earlier this week. She believes that this is a little sign from her boy, to never stop believing in him. And I believe in her. What’s really interesting about all of this is that strangely enough, I too heard the song on my way home from work the night that she posted that he was gone (I hadn’t seen the post yet). I don’t know what made me pay attention to it, but I did, and my thoughts drifted somewhere along the lines of the fact that it was a Journey song and just the other week my Marvelous Nikki was going to sell a Journey t-shirt at our garage sale. Minor, mindless thoughts, but I thought about it enough that I remember it.

So then Ronan’s mom posts about how she’s hearing this song everywhere, and a few of her blog readers have posted the same thing in their comments to her. And then tonight, James on American Idol sings… you guessed it… Don’t Stop Believing. All I could do was smile — little Ronan! — and think about the thousands of people his story has touched (literally). And then think about what I was saying in my last post about all the funny little coincidences, signs and gentle nudgings that the universe sends our way… this week has just been insanely full of them.

So my friends – tonight I want to leave you with this message that I really believe comes from somewhere other than where you and I are today…. don’t stop believing. Don’t stop believing in messages, in signs, in dreams… in hope, in inspiration, in a new start. In the ability to conquer unbeatable odds, in the ability to change the world around you. Don’t stop believing in the power of love and laughter and faith. There is a beautiful day waiting for us tomorrow.

Peace and blessings and love to you tonight. And if you have a little extra room in your prayers tonight, please pray for little Ronan to fly high with the angels and for his family to be at peace. Goodnight!

 

When I grow up May 2, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — hiddenblessing @ 9:51 pm
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Inspiring Quote on wall @Starbucks
Image found at http://www.flickr.com/photos/37676753@N08/

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Do you ever feel like everything around you is just changing? I have been feeling these changes rolling over me like an ocean wave, and slowly but surely everything has been changing. All for the better, but it’s just so fascinating to realize. I think back about what I was thinking about and focused on just a mere few months ago, and it seems like everything has changed.

It started with Braden and Ronan. Braden, the sweet boy I’ve talked about whose race I went to a few weeks ago. And Ronan, whose mom’s blog inspired me to start this very one you are reading right now. Both of these innocent, darling children are fighting cancer right now and Braden is doing well right now. Ronan is not. I cry just reading his mom’s blog. It devastates me, floors me, and breaks my heart. I am disgusted that childhood cancers are not given more attention, more money, more notice. How are these babies dying every FOURTEEN HOURS and we haven’t done more? We can put a man on the moon, we can build entire fake cities to train our militaries, we can have FIFTY MILLION VOTERS on one night of American Idol, but we can only come up with two drugs to treat pediatric cancers in the last twenty years??? What if every single one of those voters donated one dollar to childhood cancer research, for just one night? In a matter of three hours, we would have fifty MILLION DOLLARS.

Ok, enough about that. I’m getting off subject. So these changes with me started with these two boys. I started following their stories, then I started commenting, and then I started this blog. And then I started volunteering, and then I quit smoking. And now I’ve started running. And then finally, I enrolled at a community college to take one class… one class towards my dream someday of being a nurse.

I’ve started researching schools, and realizing that my GPA all those years ago in college – when graduation was the only thing on my mind, not how successfully I got there – may actually prevent me from getting accepted into a university. That saddens me. I am an entirely different woman than I was when I was in college. I have zero doubt that my grades will be astronomically better now than they were then. The reasons for this are many; I understand how expensive it is. I also understand what it means to feel passionate about what I’m doing, and why. And I’m old enough now to actually KNOW what I want to be when I grow up.

I found out today that the students that get accepted into the program I am interested in have a typical GPA of 3.7. This means all A’s in college, with an occasional B thrown in. This means ZERO C’s and most certainly not that D that I got in Sign Language but didn’t bother to retake because I was so mad that I had a D in the first place. I could accept this at face value and move on, but I won’t. It might mean that I can’t get into THAT school, but it doesn’t change a thing. Because I have wanted to be a nurse, overwhelmingly so, for most of my adult life, and this desire strikes me every few years or so. But now I’ve realized the time has come to consider actually doing something about it, no matter how many years it might take me to do it. Because children like Ronan don’t have my whole lifetime to wait for help. So Chemistry 121, here I come. Wish me luck, my friends. I am filled with such HOPE and excitement about this!

Goodnight, friends. I hope that you are listening to your dreams tonight, and tomorrow, you have enough courage to do something about them. GPA’s be damned. I will be an amazing nurse someday.