I have talked at length in various posts about my thoughts on signs. I truly believe the universe tries to send us little reminders and pointers for steps we need to take, or directions for which we need to go to get ourselves back on our own paths again. And sometimes, if we are particularly dense right then, the universe rolls its collective eyes and busts out a giant Vegas-style flashing sign that says “SERIOUSLY. I MEANT IT THE FIRST TIME. TURN HERE.”
That’s what happened to me the other night. I have been in the midst of this career conundrum. I am perfectly content where I’m at, and it’s a good job, for a good company. I deeply miss where I used to be, though, because I felt significantly more valued and important in my previous position at my previous company. It’s hard to lose that, even when you knew it was the price you were paying to change. The benefit of moving to the new company was the best ever – I got to be home significantly more with Baby L. Period. That was the deciding factor, and I LEAPT at the opportunity. I don’t regret it, and would choose, repeatedly, the same choice over and over and over again.
I miss my old responsibility. I miss the self-worth it brought, and the confidence I had in my own abilities. I can feel my skill set fading away like rubbing acetone on a varnished table. I am simply not challenged anymore, and while I can find things that temporarily allow me to feel alive again, for the majority of the time, I’m just… bored. It’s like staring at a blank canvas all day – and your only job is to watch it. You used to have the paints and brushes it took to color it, but you changed galleries and in this new shop, you’re not the artist any longer. Your job is just to ensure its safety. It already has a few talented artists, and they aren’t interested in adding any more displays.
So here I sit. And I contemplate – just SHUT UP ALREADY and enjoy the fact that it’s good and easy and you get to be home with Baby L more. Or find something new, that might be more challenging and you might be happier at, but will be full-time. This option, which really isn’t an option at all, makes me feel like a failure. Or option C, which would be to find a way to keep the current position but somehow either light a fire under it again, or find a way to spend more time doing what I love.
Back to the Vegas-style signs, the other night I lay in bed, skimming through various WordPress posts, and I suddenly began to notice a theme to a significant number of the posts. Posts like this:
It truly seemed that all the posts were pointing me towards the obvious: do what you love. Post after post about making choices, taking risks, finding what truly makes you happy. Do what honors who you are, because there is only one you, and only one lifetime to be you.
It made me smile because sometimes, I think I just need the universe to kick me in the behind and tell me to get moving. Quit sitting around thinking about it, quit contemplating and what-if’ing and just do. I can think and ponder and weigh all the pros and cons, but in the end, if I don’t actually do anything, all the thinking and pondering was just a giant waste of time. I know the answer deep inside myself, and I’ve always known it. I just have to trust that it won’t let me down, and that, my friends, can be the hardest part of all.