Lots and lots of thoughts today. But mostly, my thought today is … sometimes, I think you just have to let go and let God take over. I don’t have anything particularly bad or stressful going on in my world. Everything is fine. The kids are fine, the husband is fine, we’re healthy, we’re safe and we’re dry. There’s not enough money, but there never is – this is nothing new. The dishwasher is failing and the furnace is questionable, but again… we’re fine. Compared to some of my family and friends, I have NOTHING to complain about. But all this being said, I have been having the hardest time with feeling this sense of worry and anxiety.
I’ve tried to pinpoint it. It started the morning of the election – and before anyone gets all huffy about THAT – I am politically-challenged and can’t speak intelligently about politics. At all. So I really don’t think it’s that. We’ve got the holidays right around the corner, and of course that’s stressful but I love Christmas like I love sunshine – it is so wonderful and special and beautiful that it really can’t be that.
Then there is the whole end-of-the-world-Mayan-calendar thing. I have joked, over the last three or four years, that I would need to be on meds come December 2012 because it just FREAKED me out so much. And as we crossed over into the New Year 2012, it did flit across my mind (just being honest here. It’s my blog. If I’m not at least honest with myself, this is a complete waste of my time! LOL.) And it has crossed my mind here and there across this year. But is that REALLY what is going on with me? I hope not. I will so laugh at myself if I wake up on January 1, 2013 and feel miraculously better.
Sometimes I just think that the world is such a frightening place. There is so much violence and greed and selfishness abounding. I think perhaps I’ve been reading the news a little too much again. I’ve got to stop doing that. It’s like giving a hypochondriac free reign to read WebMD all day long. It’s just a recipe for failure. I’m not saying my ostrich-angle is a good one to have. If we all stuck our heads in the sand no one would help anyone else, ever. But I am saying that sometimes I think I tend to absorb the stresses and struggles of those around me, or those that I hear about. Which is ridiculous. Those aren’t even my problems to own. It’s like I’m my own psychic vampire. J Really, I need to be stronger than that.
But even more importantly, I have to have faith that the good that is in the world, that all the light and love and joy that exists WILL win in the end.
I was talking to my mom about her impending potential job loss. And I said – well, I think your choices are this: you could stress about it, worry day and night, lose sleep and develop an ulcer and lose your job. Or you could trust that you can’t change what may or may not happen, sleep well, enjoy what you have right now and STILL LOSE YOUR JOB ANYWAY. In my opinion, Option B is just such a better way to go.
So last night, as I lay in bed thinking about this nameless worry I have – as my darling B came and climbed into bed asking to sleep with me – as I snuggled him close and thought about how his hair smells like cupcakes and THANK GOD that I still have these days – that my boy still WANTS to be cuddled and wants to sleep curled up next to me – I thought I just have to give it to God.
I will trust that He has a plan in place. I will trust that in the end, all will be ok. I will trust that I am just one person, and I can’t fix all the troubles in the world – that’s not my job, it’s His. I will just take care of what’s mine, this cupcake-smelling boy and this beautiful baby and this challenging teenager and this man who loves me. I will try to spread a little bit of love, a little bit of good and as much light as possible to those around me. But if it happens, and it sometimes will because that’s just the way life is, that I don’t know the right direction to take or I get overwhelmed and scared at the enormity of the craziness in the world, I will take a deep breath. And I will just Hand. It. Over. I will trust. I will have faith.
So today, that’s what I’ve done. And I woke up so much lighter and calmer than I was when I went to sleep. I looked at B’s sweet toes as I woke him up, where he was sleeping horizontally in my bed, and I took a moment to just say thank you. Thank you for the sunshine pouring in my window, thank you for this beautiful child asleep in my bed, and thank you for simply another day.
I will trust. I will have faith.